I have dreamed about this post for years. I never knew exactly how I would write it or what I would say, or how people would take it. I will start by telling you how I came to decide to write this.
A while back a family at our church lost their teenager. They went to a night service to come home to find him passed. He was in heaven with our Father. My heart was broken in pieces for them. I didnt recognize their name, so I looked them up on facebook. When I saw the teenagers face I knew him. I had seen him around, but didnt personally "know" him. It broke my heart more. I followed his mothers page to see any updates on his case. Her calmness, her peace. It... it... it was amazing. If I could only be half the woman she is...
She is so trusting in our Lord, it seems she has never doubted. She is an inspiration.
So keeping up with her posts, she recently wrote one about a child she lost. And how upon speaking with the Lord, he showed her it would have been a girl. So promptly she named her. And with that she announced that anyone who has lost a child should name them.
I lost a child. On January 7th 2002. I lost a baby. It was 6 weeks old in utero. I do not know whether it would have been a boy or a girl.
But this post made me lie awake all night. I should honor my lost child and name him/her. But will people think me a fool?
At this point, i dont care what people think of me. I am naming this baby. He or she was MINE.
Journey Christian. I came to me as I scrolled through countless unisex names. I ALWAYS wanted a child named Journey. And here he or she is. And how lucky am I to know I will see them again in heaven. Thank you Lord.
So there you have it. If you ask me how many children I have, I have three here on earth and a Journey in heaven.
Until we meet my sweet angel!
R.I.P. Christian, sings amongst the angels...
Tuesday, January 3, 2012
Sunday, May 15, 2011
Love
I fell in love with my husband - AGAIN - today.
No particular reason. Nothing special happened. I just got that feeling. That butterfly in your stomach feeling. That phone is ringing and its him feeling. That spotting him in a crowded room feeling. That first kiss feeling.
I was just sitting here watching him. Not doing anything in particular. he was just sitting there. And I realized just how much I love him. No matter what. How lucky I have been to get him. The Lord shined his love upon me and sent me to him. What favor I have found in the Lord that he sent me an angel to be my husband.
Thank you.
I love you LJ. You are my heart and soul.
Love always!
Melanie Joy
No particular reason. Nothing special happened. I just got that feeling. That butterfly in your stomach feeling. That phone is ringing and its him feeling. That spotting him in a crowded room feeling. That first kiss feeling.
I was just sitting here watching him. Not doing anything in particular. he was just sitting there. And I realized just how much I love him. No matter what. How lucky I have been to get him. The Lord shined his love upon me and sent me to him. What favor I have found in the Lord that he sent me an angel to be my husband.
Thank you.
I love you LJ. You are my heart and soul.
Love always!
Melanie Joy
Tuesday, May 10, 2011
Why is it that when we are little and not feeling well, our parents bed is the most comfortable place to be. Their pillows are much softer, the mattress is squishier, the blankies are more comfy. Why is it cuddling next to our mommy or daddy makes us feel so much better. Breathing our germs all over their pillow isnt a concern. Nuzzling our feverish forehead on their chest makes us feel cooler.
I hate when my kids are sick. But in a way I love it. They can cuddle me any time :)
Feel better soon Kota Man! Mommy loves you!
Tuesday, April 19, 2011
Is that hyphenated?
Ok, So this is a question I didnt anticipate when I named Eli, so I will explain...
My Sons name is Eli Simpson Merritt.
NO - that is not hyphenated.
Simpson is his middle name.
LJ and I struggled for a boys name this time around. We really couldnt agree on anything. I really liked Malachi, but he didnt. We knew we wanted something biblical. But they are all pretty old school. I loved the name Jude, but that was our dogs name.
After going around and around we both liked Eli. NOT Elijah. There are SOOOOO many Elijahs. I dont like common stuff. So we went with Eli. Not only is it biblical, but my mothers name is Elizabeth. And hey we are all about honoring people we love around here.
Simpson is my maiden name. I was born, Melanie Joy Simpson. I lost that name when I got married the first and second time. My father has all girls. No boy to carry on the Simpson name. And it is not likely that my sisters would honor our Dad by naming their child Simpson. I am the only weird one who likes weird names. So there you have it.
Eli Simpson Merritt.
It is not a hyphen, it is his middle name.
My Sons name is Eli Simpson Merritt.
NO - that is not hyphenated.
Simpson is his middle name.
LJ and I struggled for a boys name this time around. We really couldnt agree on anything. I really liked Malachi, but he didnt. We knew we wanted something biblical. But they are all pretty old school. I loved the name Jude, but that was our dogs name.
After going around and around we both liked Eli. NOT Elijah. There are SOOOOO many Elijahs. I dont like common stuff. So we went with Eli. Not only is it biblical, but my mothers name is Elizabeth. And hey we are all about honoring people we love around here.
Simpson is my maiden name. I was born, Melanie Joy Simpson. I lost that name when I got married the first and second time. My father has all girls. No boy to carry on the Simpson name. And it is not likely that my sisters would honor our Dad by naming their child Simpson. I am the only weird one who likes weird names. So there you have it.
Eli Simpson Merritt.
It is not a hyphen, it is his middle name.
God gave me a second chance
March 21, 2011
Around Noon I called LJ telling him I was having chest pains, I told him I think its just heart burn. As I was waiting in the parking lot for Dakota to get out of school it was getting worse. I came home took some heart burn medicine and sat on the couch. It wasn't getting any better, so I thought some fresh air might help. I take Dakota and Eli outside. I sit down with my crosswords and enjoy the air.
Then it hit me.
GASP GASP GASP
I suddenly couldn't breathe. Oh my God, am I dying?
GASP GASP
I try to pick up Eli and take him inside. I couldn't lift him. I start to panic, which makes my breathing worse. I call LJ, he is on the Skyway on his way. But it was gonna be a while. PANIC
I call my mom, she JUST walked thru the door from the beach, she was on her way.
LJ made it home first and took the kids, My mom ran me to the Hospital. St Pete General. I thought it might have had something to do with just having a baby, or it was just a bad case of heartburn.
I had an EKG done, it came back fine. I had a chest Xray done, it looked okay. I had a CT scan done. They found something. But they couldn't tell what. It was either Pneumonia or a blood clot. They had to keep me over night so they could do a VQ Scan in the morning to find out. They started me on antibiotics and shots in my belly to thin my blood. Treating me for both ailments just in case.
VQ Scan the next day showed it was pneumonia in my lower right quadrant of my lungs. They STOP the blood thinners and continue me on antibiotics. They want to keep me one more night just in case.
That night Pastor Art came to see me. he is the one who married LJ and I. It was nice to pray with him. Shortly after he left I was traumatized by the events that took place.
Right in front of my hospital door, across the hall was a loud man. He has visitors ALLLL day. And you could hear his booming voice all the way down the hall. Lord, please let him go to sleep soon, I am so tired! And he is so loud.
I am ashamed and sad.
He gets up out of his bed and collapses in the hall way. CODE BLUE CODE BLUE.
Oh My Gosh. Please don't die. I start to pray.
Nurses Doctors Everyone in the hall, stood around my door. I had front row seats to a show I didn't want to see. They worked on him for and hour. And that was it. He died. Right there. Right there in front of me. Right were, just a while earlier he was joking about the Lightening Games with his roommate. Right there where I had asked the Lord to make him be quiet. I had a gut ache. I called LJ and asked him to pray with me.
Then I sat and watched as his family approached the room. I watched their faces as they were told what happened. I wanted to look away. But I couldn't. I watched as they entered the room to see his lifeless body. I watched as his wife collapsed by his side.
I don't want to die here. I want to go home. I miss my kids.
March 24th -
I go home with the diagnosis of Pneumonia. I was so relieved. The doctor came in one more time before I left and gave me a script for two antibiotics. And then dropped the bomb. "Gall Stones"
Say what? No one ever mentioned Gall Stones?? He said they happen, and not to worry unless I am in extreme pain. Umm okay, but weird I have been here three days and no one mentioned them up until now. I told him I was confused. he walks out. Ummm, okay. Just send me home!
I ask the nurse to look at my chart and tell me about the Gall stones. He said there is NOTHING in my chart about that. I wonder if he read someone elses chart. Get me out of here.
Get home to a VERY happy family. Hugs and kisses all over the place. So glad to be home with my babies!
Lj fills my prescriptions. Comes home with just one. Where is the other one? Well the pharmacist says the two meds the doc gave me combined could have given me an instant heart attack. Say WHAT?? What the hell kind of hospital is this place??
March 26th 2011
LJ takes the kids for a walk. I wasn't feeling well still and wanted to stay inside. They aren't gone long, but while they were out. It hit me again.
GASP GASP GASP.
I run to the bedroom, crawl in bed.
GO AWAY< GO AWAY
I don't want to go back in there. Please Lord Make it go away!
LJ walks thru the door takes one look at me and says LETS GO, NOW!
We go to Morton Plant this time.
I need another CT scan which is risky, cuz I just had one and the radiation could kill me.
This phrase :could kill me:, is one I hear a LOT in the next month.
I decide to do it, cuz the benefits out weighed the risks.
The Doctor comes back, sits down. Its never good when they actually sit down.
Its NOT pneumonia.
Ok, so what is it?
Bilateral Pulmonary Embolisms in both lungs.
Ok so what is that?
Blood clots in each lung.
It could kill me.
TEARS. TEARS. TEARS.
They have to keep me. NO NO NO
I do not want to stay I have a new born baby, I cant stay again.
I have to stay, it could kill me.
They start the blood thinners - shots in my belly immediately.
WHY? LORD, WHY?
Another 4 days stay in the hospital. Lots of pain meds, lots of shots in my belly, lots of blood taking. I leave battered and VERY VERY bruised.
I come home still in pain for several weeks. Going to get blood drawn weekly which always ends in very huge bruises from the blood thinners.
I will be on those for a year. Which thankfully is far less then being on the for life.
I have to change my diet. I have to change my lifestyle.
But I am alive. And I am with my kids.
APRIL 9TH 2011
Back to the Emergency room, pain is so fierce I cant take another day.
They do an xray and still see fluid in my lungs. They want me to stay for observation. NO WAY. Send me home.
I go home with more pain meds.
April 12th 2011
I have a docs appt to check my levels. i tell her I am still in so much pain. She gives me a steroid shot.
RELIEF.
Its a miracle. I felt relief! I mean the pain was still there, but I could breathe and move and Oh Praise the Lord, i felt relief!
April 19th 2011
Today -
I feel better. I still feel pain. but I feel so much better. I almost feel normal.
But today I got my first real period. This is going to be a problem. I am bleeding like a deer got gutted in my bathroom. I have never seen so much blood. This is scary. But I know its because of the thinners. And I do have my 6 week check up with my OB next week. So I will check with him if I am okay. As long as I am not dizzy I am not worried. But dang, how can someone lose so much blood? Sorry I know that's gross, but hey, your the one still reading!! ;)
Thank you for all the continued support and prayers. I appreciate all the help everyone has given me in this time and I will pay it forward as much as I can. You are all a blessing to me!
Around Noon I called LJ telling him I was having chest pains, I told him I think its just heart burn. As I was waiting in the parking lot for Dakota to get out of school it was getting worse. I came home took some heart burn medicine and sat on the couch. It wasn't getting any better, so I thought some fresh air might help. I take Dakota and Eli outside. I sit down with my crosswords and enjoy the air.
Then it hit me.
GASP GASP GASP
I suddenly couldn't breathe. Oh my God, am I dying?
GASP GASP
I try to pick up Eli and take him inside. I couldn't lift him. I start to panic, which makes my breathing worse. I call LJ, he is on the Skyway on his way. But it was gonna be a while. PANIC
I call my mom, she JUST walked thru the door from the beach, she was on her way.
LJ made it home first and took the kids, My mom ran me to the Hospital. St Pete General. I thought it might have had something to do with just having a baby, or it was just a bad case of heartburn.
I had an EKG done, it came back fine. I had a chest Xray done, it looked okay. I had a CT scan done. They found something. But they couldn't tell what. It was either Pneumonia or a blood clot. They had to keep me over night so they could do a VQ Scan in the morning to find out. They started me on antibiotics and shots in my belly to thin my blood. Treating me for both ailments just in case.
VQ Scan the next day showed it was pneumonia in my lower right quadrant of my lungs. They STOP the blood thinners and continue me on antibiotics. They want to keep me one more night just in case.
That night Pastor Art came to see me. he is the one who married LJ and I. It was nice to pray with him. Shortly after he left I was traumatized by the events that took place.
Right in front of my hospital door, across the hall was a loud man. He has visitors ALLLL day. And you could hear his booming voice all the way down the hall. Lord, please let him go to sleep soon, I am so tired! And he is so loud.
I am ashamed and sad.
He gets up out of his bed and collapses in the hall way. CODE BLUE CODE BLUE.
Oh My Gosh. Please don't die. I start to pray.
Nurses Doctors Everyone in the hall, stood around my door. I had front row seats to a show I didn't want to see. They worked on him for and hour. And that was it. He died. Right there. Right there in front of me. Right were, just a while earlier he was joking about the Lightening Games with his roommate. Right there where I had asked the Lord to make him be quiet. I had a gut ache. I called LJ and asked him to pray with me.
Then I sat and watched as his family approached the room. I watched their faces as they were told what happened. I wanted to look away. But I couldn't. I watched as they entered the room to see his lifeless body. I watched as his wife collapsed by his side.
I don't want to die here. I want to go home. I miss my kids.
March 24th -
I go home with the diagnosis of Pneumonia. I was so relieved. The doctor came in one more time before I left and gave me a script for two antibiotics. And then dropped the bomb. "Gall Stones"
Say what? No one ever mentioned Gall Stones?? He said they happen, and not to worry unless I am in extreme pain. Umm okay, but weird I have been here three days and no one mentioned them up until now. I told him I was confused. he walks out. Ummm, okay. Just send me home!
I ask the nurse to look at my chart and tell me about the Gall stones. He said there is NOTHING in my chart about that. I wonder if he read someone elses chart. Get me out of here.
Get home to a VERY happy family. Hugs and kisses all over the place. So glad to be home with my babies!
Lj fills my prescriptions. Comes home with just one. Where is the other one? Well the pharmacist says the two meds the doc gave me combined could have given me an instant heart attack. Say WHAT?? What the hell kind of hospital is this place??
March 26th 2011
LJ takes the kids for a walk. I wasn't feeling well still and wanted to stay inside. They aren't gone long, but while they were out. It hit me again.
GASP GASP GASP.
I run to the bedroom, crawl in bed.
GO AWAY< GO AWAY
I don't want to go back in there. Please Lord Make it go away!
LJ walks thru the door takes one look at me and says LETS GO, NOW!
We go to Morton Plant this time.
I need another CT scan which is risky, cuz I just had one and the radiation could kill me.
This phrase :could kill me:, is one I hear a LOT in the next month.
I decide to do it, cuz the benefits out weighed the risks.
The Doctor comes back, sits down. Its never good when they actually sit down.
Its NOT pneumonia.
Ok, so what is it?
Bilateral Pulmonary Embolisms in both lungs.
Ok so what is that?
Blood clots in each lung.
It could kill me.
TEARS. TEARS. TEARS.
They have to keep me. NO NO NO
I do not want to stay I have a new born baby, I cant stay again.
I have to stay, it could kill me.
They start the blood thinners - shots in my belly immediately.
WHY? LORD, WHY?
Another 4 days stay in the hospital. Lots of pain meds, lots of shots in my belly, lots of blood taking. I leave battered and VERY VERY bruised.
I come home still in pain for several weeks. Going to get blood drawn weekly which always ends in very huge bruises from the blood thinners.
I will be on those for a year. Which thankfully is far less then being on the for life.
I have to change my diet. I have to change my lifestyle.
But I am alive. And I am with my kids.
APRIL 9TH 2011
Back to the Emergency room, pain is so fierce I cant take another day.
They do an xray and still see fluid in my lungs. They want me to stay for observation. NO WAY. Send me home.
I go home with more pain meds.
April 12th 2011
I have a docs appt to check my levels. i tell her I am still in so much pain. She gives me a steroid shot.
RELIEF.
Its a miracle. I felt relief! I mean the pain was still there, but I could breathe and move and Oh Praise the Lord, i felt relief!
April 19th 2011
Today -
I feel better. I still feel pain. but I feel so much better. I almost feel normal.
But today I got my first real period. This is going to be a problem. I am bleeding like a deer got gutted in my bathroom. I have never seen so much blood. This is scary. But I know its because of the thinners. And I do have my 6 week check up with my OB next week. So I will check with him if I am okay. As long as I am not dizzy I am not worried. But dang, how can someone lose so much blood? Sorry I know that's gross, but hey, your the one still reading!! ;)
Thank you for all the continued support and prayers. I appreciate all the help everyone has given me in this time and I will pay it forward as much as I can. You are all a blessing to me!
Welcome Eli Simpson Merritt!
March 7th 2011
I went to the doctors for my weekly check on the baby's progress. I was in bad pain, my back ached badly, I was having leg cramps and I had sciatica. I was hoping they would send me straight to the hospital. Dr. Javate was the doctor there that day. He was my fave! He said Wednesday that he would induce me and deliver. SOLD! Since I was already 100% effaced and 2cm dilated, I was ready!
March 9th, 2011
7:00am
Off to St Pete General. Got induced.
During the next few hours, several interns came in and asked if they could watch the birth. I give them permission. I could care less.
1:45pm
I am ready to push. Dr Javate shows up, interns are in place.
PUSHING...
Intern steps in to deliver. I think it was his first delivery. LJ says he was shaking to death.
Eli's head gets stuck. Finally it comes out. Eli's shoulder gets stuck.
PAIN
PAIN
PAIN
2:08pm
Eli Simpson Merritt is born.
He is bruised form getting stuck and he is BIG. Its finally over. He is here.
HAPPINESS
8lbs 12.7oz and 20 1/2 inches
I am in love, again.
He is beautiful!
I start breastfeeding immediately. Then after an hour they rush me off to get my tubal litigation. No more babies for this factory.
5:30pm
When I get down there they pump up my epidural with some heavy meds. And I go under the knife awake.
OH MY GOSH
I FEEL IT.
Mad rush from the nurses, thing on my face," breathe deep " is the last thing I heard, they knocked me out.
Wake up an hour later.
WHERE IS MY BABY?!?!
She is awake.
7:00pm
Sent me back up to my room. I have no idea which way is up. I feel confused and lost.
All my visitors went home. LJ and Dakota were left. Hugs and kisses and they left too.
Just me and Eli. Onward with the breastfeeding.
PAIN
CRAMPS
PAIN
Having babies is NO fun.
But the end result is SOOOOO worth it...
Mommy loves you Eli!
Saturday, November 6, 2010
Publix has Angels? Which Aisle can I buy one of those?
I just had the most amazing experience, I feel like I am on a high from it.
So I went to Publix to pick up some stuff for the grill. I bought something that was buy one get one and it was the wrong thing, but the nice manager ( whom I have NEVER seen there before) gave it to me anyways. I went out to my car to put the stuff in my trunk. A man came up on a bike and asked for 45 cents so he could ride his bike down to get a cheeseburger from McDonalds. I checked my purse, but I had no change. ( We had thrown my change in a fountain the night prior.) I said I am so sorry , I dont ever carry cash. he said thank you anyways and pedaled to the front of the store. I put my groceries away and got in the car. I got a tugging in my chest. I call this CONVICTION. I watched the man for a few minutes. I saw him pick a cigarette butt off the ground, examine it and put it in his pocket. I saw him looking around for more. Found one and asked someone to light it for him. More tugging in chest. I struggled. I wanted to get him a sandwich. I sat there for another minute - though it seemed like eternity. He sat there staring off blankly into the crowd of people shopping, going in and out of the store. I called L.J.
"Honey?"
"Yeah?"
"A man just asked me for 49 cents for a burger, may I buy him a sandwich I feel extremly convicted."
"Of course"
"Ok call you in a bit"
"ok love ya"
"love ya too"
"bye"
I got back out of my car and headed towards him.
I dont know why, but I had tears in my eyes, I was kinda scared. I asked him, "May I please buy you a sandwich?"
"umm, okay"
"will you come with me so you can pick it out"
"I dont want my bike to get stolen, its okay..."
" I will go get you one, what do you like"
" I like anything"
"ok be right back"
"really? thank you."
I go back inside, order him a sub, get EVERYTHING I can jam on it. And go get him the biggest reddest apple I can find and head to the front. I saw a rack of chips so I was trying to decide what to get. The manager who gave me the buy one get one was standing there and said, "Oh back again?"
"There is a man outside who is very hungry, so I am buying him a sandwich."
"And you know this because?"
"Because he asked me for 49 cents.""
"Really, he says , huh."
So I go into the check out line. Waiting my turn. The manager comes up after a few minutes and says to the cashier, do not ring up the sub. I looked at him in disbelief, " Thank you"
The cashier did as she was asked and I paid 2 dollars. I went up to the manager again to thank him again for his kindness. His reply... "Thank YOU." I smiled and happily went out to the man.
He was there waiting, still on his bike. I Said here ya go, and I even got you an apple. A smile.
He touched my arm and kindly said "Thank you so much."
I said "God Bless you, and keep you safe."
"Really, Ma'am, Thank you"
"Stay blessed"
I turned around and started back to the car. I turned around again to smile and wave good bye and he disappeared. I mean like in spooky disappear. He was gone, no where in the parking lot, no where in sight. Where the heck did he go? Goosebumps - Jesus Bumps.
Was that a test from the Lord? I will never know. But it was a blessing to me to help someone and to bless them. Praise your name Lord. And thank you for using me as your tool on this earth. I really hope that man has a great night and a full belly.
So I went to Publix to pick up some stuff for the grill. I bought something that was buy one get one and it was the wrong thing, but the nice manager ( whom I have NEVER seen there before) gave it to me anyways. I went out to my car to put the stuff in my trunk. A man came up on a bike and asked for 45 cents so he could ride his bike down to get a cheeseburger from McDonalds. I checked my purse, but I had no change. ( We had thrown my change in a fountain the night prior.) I said I am so sorry , I dont ever carry cash. he said thank you anyways and pedaled to the front of the store. I put my groceries away and got in the car. I got a tugging in my chest. I call this CONVICTION. I watched the man for a few minutes. I saw him pick a cigarette butt off the ground, examine it and put it in his pocket. I saw him looking around for more. Found one and asked someone to light it for him. More tugging in chest. I struggled. I wanted to get him a sandwich. I sat there for another minute - though it seemed like eternity. He sat there staring off blankly into the crowd of people shopping, going in and out of the store. I called L.J.
"Honey?"
"Yeah?"
"A man just asked me for 49 cents for a burger, may I buy him a sandwich I feel extremly convicted."
"Of course"
"Ok call you in a bit"
"ok love ya"
"love ya too"
"bye"
I got back out of my car and headed towards him.
I dont know why, but I had tears in my eyes, I was kinda scared. I asked him, "May I please buy you a sandwich?"
"umm, okay"
"will you come with me so you can pick it out"
"I dont want my bike to get stolen, its okay..."
" I will go get you one, what do you like"
" I like anything"
"ok be right back"
"really? thank you."
I go back inside, order him a sub, get EVERYTHING I can jam on it. And go get him the biggest reddest apple I can find and head to the front. I saw a rack of chips so I was trying to decide what to get. The manager who gave me the buy one get one was standing there and said, "Oh back again?"
"There is a man outside who is very hungry, so I am buying him a sandwich."
"And you know this because?"
"Because he asked me for 49 cents.""
"Really, he says , huh."
So I go into the check out line. Waiting my turn. The manager comes up after a few minutes and says to the cashier, do not ring up the sub. I looked at him in disbelief, " Thank you"
The cashier did as she was asked and I paid 2 dollars. I went up to the manager again to thank him again for his kindness. His reply... "Thank YOU." I smiled and happily went out to the man.
He was there waiting, still on his bike. I Said here ya go, and I even got you an apple. A smile.
He touched my arm and kindly said "Thank you so much."
I said "God Bless you, and keep you safe."
"Really, Ma'am, Thank you"
"Stay blessed"
I turned around and started back to the car. I turned around again to smile and wave good bye and he disappeared. I mean like in spooky disappear. He was gone, no where in the parking lot, no where in sight. Where the heck did he go? Goosebumps - Jesus Bumps.
Was that a test from the Lord? I will never know. But it was a blessing to me to help someone and to bless them. Praise your name Lord. And thank you for using me as your tool on this earth. I really hope that man has a great night and a full belly.
Subscribe to:
Posts (Atom)